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Title: Raising Heck
Author/Pseudonym: Ursula
Fandom: X Files crossover with Earth Angels
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek
Rating: Adult humor
Status: Finished
Date Posted: 12-28-05
Archive: FHSA, DIB, WWOMB, FONLX, RAT B
E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie@aol.com or Ursula4X@aol.com
Classification: humor fantasy
Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: nope
Web Site: None
Disclaimers: No profit, fan fiction for fun
Notes: Beta thanks to Helen
Warnings: Humor and sacrilege
Time Frame: Never Never
If God won't have me, then the Devil must we will raise the dead
we will raise the dead
we will raise the deadBack from a night haunting, Alex flopped into a chair of nails in Maximilian's office. Propping his hoof on his father's ornate desk, Alex flicked off a trace of gore.
"I'm bored," Alex said.
"So go eviscerate Caligula again," Maximilian suggested.
"Been there, done that," Alex said, his tone dissolving into a whine.
"Well, son, you could go skin Spender alive again," Da said.
"I said I was bored," Alex said. He tapped his black claws on the snow globe on his father's desk. Instantly, Fox Mulder appeared in the crystal. He was naked and golden, his large cock erect as he softly moaned Alex's name.
"I want Mulder," Alex said.
"Now, son," Maximilian soothed.
Kicking the desk, Alex said, "If you won't give him to me, I'll ask my mother."
Rolling his eyes, Maximilian said, "Son, although Gabriel gave birth to you, I don't think he appreciates being called 'Mom'."
"Tough shit," Alex replied. "My entire life I wondered about my real parents...thinking that my Mom must have been someone's fallen angel. What a joke...my Mom's an angel, but he's a guy."
"Hey, safe sex wasn't even invented when you were conceived," Da said. "I was just glad it wasn't me. Since I gave up flowing robes for form fitting gear, it would have been harder for me to conceal a millennium long pregnancy."
Alex grunted, twitched his too cute nose and transformed, leaving behind the demon spawn look he cultivated for his father and taking on the semi-angelic look he chose for his duty visits to his mother. It came as no surprise to him, being suspended between heaven and hell. His soul was divided on earth too.
OooOooO
Wiping his feet on a fluffy white cloud, Alex cleared his throat to catch his mother's attention. Gabriel was writing his sentences, a cascade of words reaching nearly to earth. "I will not traffic with the devil's son. I will not lie by omission."
"Just a moment," Gabriel said, leaning down to poke at a software writer on earth. "I'm trying to prod this one's conscience and there's not much of it. Who would know that the angel of messengers would be in charge of so many unbelieving hackers?"
The lost soul straightened his back and scratched his head, deciding in a fit of vagueness to set up software to help reunite pets with hurricane survivors. When he returned to his former project, he would create a best selling game as a reward.
"Now, son, what can I do for you? Have you decided to ask God's forgiveness and claim your heritage?" Gabriel asked.
"Not yet," Alex said, fluttering his eyelashes and filling his expression with dewy innocence. "Mother..."
Gabriel winced at the appellation, but didn't protest it. He was trying to make amends for leaving his son on earth to fall into wicked Spender's hands. He should have done the right thing. After all, the boss had a soft spot {of} [for] unwed mothers.
"What can I do for you then, son?" Gabriel asked.
Leaning over the edge of his mother's celestial residence, Alex pointed at Mulder, now looking grief stricken as he walked along a cliff edge. "He needs me and Da can't get him for me because Mulder is on the side of the angels."
Brushing Alex's face with the tip of his wings, Gabriel answered a celestial call before answering her son. "Yahweh Incorporated, Gabriel speaking. Oh, hello, darling, yes, he did get your memo, Earth Mother. He is working with legal on the concept. He certainly didn't mean to lose the fertile woman vote. You know how branch offices can be. Little independent dictatorships...really, it is being handled."
Sighing, Gabriel made a few kissy noises before hanging up the invisible phone. "Messenger of God didn't use to mean receptionist of God. This sucks. I used to get out more, appear to important humans and dazzle them. Now God uses e-mail and images in food stuffs. It's undignified."
"Life sucks and then you die," Alex said automatically.
"Let me go negotiate with the old man," Gabriel said. "I need to discuss the Earth Mother suit anyway. Since we joined the celestial court, it's nothing but negotiations. I can't believe Demeter is suing for sexual discrimination. I seem to remember a time when her worshippers ran around waving bloody phalli during her rituals. Make your self comfortable, Alex. I'll be right back."
OooOooO
Alex decided to kill some time. It was mildly amusing although Chronos simply set the seconds back and grabbed the arrows Alex shot at him. Father Time shook his hand at Alex and plucked the painful missiles out of his rapidly aging hide. "Someday, you'll be old and you'll be sorry when some whippersnapper does this to you."
Bestowing a sneer on Father Time, Alex put the arrows back in their sheath and dumped it back behind his mother's desk. He patted the clouds into a comfortable heap and settled down for a nap.
Waking at his mother's kiss, Alex wrinkled his feather tickled nose. "So what's the deal?" Alex asked.
"I had to cry," Gabriel said. "God can't stand it when Angels weep. Your father, Maximilian, nearly wept his way out of hell before he couldn't resist a smirk of triumph. He always has that problem of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory."
Resisting the family smirk that he had inherited, Alex asked, "Yeah, I know, Mom. Now what do I have to do?"
"Son, you will be temping as an angel. Your mission is to restore one lost thing to the people you hurt in life, Walter Skinner, Fox Mulder, and Dana Scully. You may restore one lost loved one to life and tip the balance of good versus evil in your soul."
"Sound easy enough," Alex said.
"Pride goes before a fall," Gabriel reminded, brushing his hand through his hair of gold. "Be careful, son."
OooOooO
An angel's kiss on his cheek, Alex tried his new wings. They were lovely, he thought, although not traditional. The devil in his makeup had resulted in wings that were blue black, shining and full, the wings of a raven instead of a dove.
Swooping though paradise, Alex looked for Bill Mulder. He reasoned the easiest way to restore the balance was to bring Mulder's father back to life. Now where was the old reprobate? He wasn't in hell as Alex had looked him up on one of his visits to his dear old dad. He didn't appear to be in the Jewish or Christian heaven either.
All right, Alex still had skills. He waited for a chance to glance at St. Peter's books. The old dear was prone to wander off from his gate keeping duties for a nostalgic bout of fishing, making it easy to hack into the gleaming golden notebook that had replaced the parchment book in God's latest bout of modernization.
There he was.... Bill Mulder, transferred to Bokononism two weeks prior to his death.
Bokononism? Alex liked a post modern novel as well as the next guy, but converting to a fictional religion as a result of a humor novel was far fetched.
However, Alex found Bill Mulder happily playing footsie with Marilyn Monroe. Taking a skeptical look, he remarked, "Look, Marilyn Monroe died one year before Cat's Cradle was published. What the hell is she doing here?"
Norma Jean blinked at Alex with eyelashes as pretty as his and said, "Oh, a girl just wants to have fun. I'm spending my afterlife, trying out all the religions. I just love Billy here. I might spend a few years like this."
"You have very pretty feet," Alex said. Little dancing sun motes emerged from his mouth as he spoke and a minor rain of manna fell onto the grassy mound on which his lover's father and Marilyn Monroe sat.
"Thank you," Bill Mulder said, popping a few pieces of the bread from heaven into his mouth.
"Um," Alex said, then shrugged and said, "Never mind. Bill, I know you have tasks on earths that weren't completed. I thought I would give you a chance to go back and finish them or whatever."
"I don't think so," Bill said. "In retrospect, I realize my family, the project, the US government were all granfalloons. They meant nothing to me. My true karass, the most meaningful relationship of my life, was a Boy Scout group I was in as a boy. I wondered why my life after I left the Eagle Scouts was meaningless. Mulder was kicked out of the Scouts. Too interested in other boys in their underwear, if you get me. No, sorry, son, you will have to find some other way to get Mulder to lay you. I'm doing fine. Say hello to Teena if you see her."
"Oh, well, that's an idea. Jewish or Christian paradise?" Alex asked.
"Presbyterian," Bill said. "She never felt comfortable with her Jewish roots...hated our son's nose and wanted me to waste good money on having plastic surgery for him. Have a good life. You probably should know that Mulder and you were meant to be a duprass, a karass formed of only two persons. If you don't manage to return to his life soon, Mulder is going to die soon. Good luck."
"What are you talking about," Alex asked. It had been a long time since he read Cat's Cradle."
"Son, a karass is the people to whom you have the most connection in life. Some people are locked in a relationship with one person, all other relationships are mere pretense. We call that a duprass. That's what you and Mulder have. People in a duprass almost always die once one of them is lost. You don't have much time, Son."
With a wave, Bill Mulder turned his attention back to Norma Jean and who wouldn't?
OooOooO
Now frantic, Alex beat his wings swiftly over the various versions of Christian paradises until he found the one where cleanliness was next to Godliness. It was notable for the bored expressions on the faces of the eternally saved.
Alex found Teena sitting on a cloud, her hands clasped in her starched robe lap. She did not look happy. This was good. She surely would be willing to pick up lost opportunities on earth.
Trying a winning smile, Alex said, "Behold, blessed are you among women."
"Can the crap, sonny," Teena said. "The answer is no. I know what you want, why you want it. There is no way you are going to use me to get to my son. I know where all those carnal impulses lead to. Charles...well, he deserves his fate."
"It's self created," Alex said. "You get the heaven or hell that your soul feels you deserve."
"Humph," replied Teena. "He deserved worse in my opinion. What did I see in him?"
Alex shrugged, accidentally hitting himself with a wing when he did so. "But, Teena, you shouldn't stand between your son and true love."
"True love? Who needs it? Why couldn't Fox marry a nice girl like that Dana woman? She might have been Irish and a Navy brat, but anything is better than a Russian assassin...a male one, at that. Good day."
Dismissed, Alex pondered his options. Well, there was Melissa Scully. That should earn him points in Scully's book.
Melissa was no where to be found. Finally, using a search engine that was left unattended, Alex found her. She was male, about fifteen pounds and African American, the son of a middle class African American family. As Alex leaned over her body, he already knew it was a hopeless case. Melissa was thrilled at her incarnation. She was already spinning her career as the new Martin Luther King as she drooled formula down her chin.
The chubby baby winked at Alex as he took flight.
"Same to you, sister," Alex mumbled. "Have a nice life."
OooOooO
Checking another one off his list, Alex went to see if Charles Scully would like to return to his loving family. He materialized on a deck awash with water. Charles Scully greeted him with an "Avast, mate, with those wings you would make a wonderful sailor. How would you like to sign on?"
"No thanks," Alex said, fluttering his wings to keep his balance. "I was wondering if you would like to return to Earth? See your grandson and all."
"Never much liked children," Admiral Scully said. "Maggie raised them. I was fond of my little Starbuck, but she wasn't very childlike even when she was a child. And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by. This is paradise, my fine young buck. I'm not leaving it."
So that was a wash. Not only that, but Admiral Scully plucked a lovely feather from Alex's wings to put in his cockade. That was painful.
OooOooO
Obviously, Alex needed to do some planning. He made a list and checked it twice. Hmm, wrong persona. All right, he had ruled out Bill and Teena Mulder, Charles and Melissa Scully. That left....Samantha. Samantha Mulder. If one deed would win Mulder to his bed, it was the return of Samantha Mulder. Now where did Mulder say she was? In the star light?
Oh good grief, Samantha was a few years older than when she was abducted. Alex found her necking with Peter Pan. She had a hicky on her neck and her full Mulder lips were cherry red. Tinkerbell was beside herself, kicking and fussing in a bird cage at the seduction of her boyfriend.
"Samantha, how would you like to see Fox again? Finish your life on earth?" Alex said.
"Oh, go away. Can't you see I'm fine?" Samantha said. "You and Fox will have to solve your own problems. I'm staying here with Peter. I'm his perfect new Wendy."
Back to the drawing board....
The well manicured man had faked his death and revealing that wouldn't help change Mulder's opinion at all nor would it fulfill Alex's bargain with God. Alex was out of options unless Mulder wanted another go at the Flukeman or the golem he had once encountered.
OooOooO
Wandering here and there, Alex found himself in a very pleasant part of paradise. A wonderful lush area by a rainbow bridge. Tennis balls grew from trees and dog treats grew from all manner of plants. Happy dogs romped everywhere. Alex plunked his angelic ass under a tree and sulked.
However, it was hard to keep a good foul mood going when happy dogs were everywhere. Alex spent a happy few moments throwing tennis balls for eternally joyous dogs. There were people here too. People whose idea of paradise was a land where they would never be parted from their dogs.
Alex felt something chewing on his wing tips. He moved his feathers to see what it was. A tiny red dog...what were these called? Not poodles. Oh, it was a Pomeranian. The tiny dog barked at him as if trying to communicate something.
Alex sighed. Even his break was proving annoying. What the hell did the tiny dog want?
The dog barked and bounced, hitting Alex on the chest. There was a tag on a tiny pink collar around the dog's neck.
"My name is Queegqueg, if found, return to Dana Scully." The tag gave Scully's address from 1996.
"Huh, I didn't even know that Scully had a dog," Alex said. "I bet she misses you."
Well, it wasn't exactly what Alex expected and who knew if it would fulfill his pact with God, but Alex wasn't finding any alternatives anyway.
If he was going to be stuck in the afterlife anyway, Alex might as well start doing good deeds and keep on Mom's good side.
OooOooO
Blowing the breath of life onto the tiny Pomeranian, Alex tucked the little thing under his arm and flew back to Earth. He was lucky enough to find not only Scully, but Mulder at the small house with the big yard where Scully lived with her son, William.
Appearing in the yard, Alex lowered the dog to the ground. Queegqueg yapped and danced, bouncing on his hind legs, zooming around Dana's legs before finally allowing her to pick him up.
"Krycek? Where did you find my dog?" Scully asked. "And I thought you were dead?"
"There's a lot of that going around," Alex said. He could feel Mulder's intense look drilling through him.
"You came out of hiding just to give me back my dog?" Dana said.
"Yeah, ran into him at uh a pet sanctuary. He was found near a lake. Someone misplaced his collar and they didn't realize he had an owner. He wouldn't cooperate with adoptions so he stayed at the sanctuary."
"What were you doing at a pet sanctuary?" Scully asked.
"I guess I was looking for a soul mate," Alex replied.
Scully sneezed and sneezed again. "I know I'm not allergic to dogs. Do you have feathers on you? I'm allergic to feathers."
Alex watched as his angel wings invisibly dissolved. The black feathers turned shining white as they drifted back to heaven.
Well, Alex had done his good deed. He leaned down to pet Queegqueg and said, "Have a good life, dog. Not everyone gets a second chance."
Feeling sad and lost, Alex walked out the gate. Scully had her dog, her son, and it looked as if she had Mulder too. This was where they lived happily ever after.
The gate swung closed. Alex didn't look back even when he heard footsteps behind him.
Mulder caught up with Alex before he had gone very far. Alex turned when Mulder grabbed his arm. "What?" Alex asked.
"That was very kind of you," Mulder said.
"I have my moments," Alex said.
"You look good," Mulder said. "I see you have your arm back. The rebels do that?"
"You could say it's a present from my mother," Alex said.
"I'm not with Scully."
"What?" Alex asked.
"You heard me," Mulder said. "I tried, but it wasn't me."
"So what is you?" Alex asked.
"Someone about six feet tall, green eyes, I'm told, cutest nose I've ever seen, and kissable lips, very kissable lips," Mulder said.
"Well, until he or she comes around," Alex said, "I seem to have no place to stay."
"I have a place."
Mulder took Alex's hand and grasped it hard as if he was not planning on letting it go.
Leaning close, Mulder's lips claimed Alex's. He said, " I have missed you, Alex. Done nothing but think, wish, and regret. When I saw you walk up like that, I knew what I wanted. I wanted you back. Wanted you forever."
And that was it. As Bill Mulder said, Mulder and Alex were meant to be, a duprass... one perfect pair.
The end
If you enjoyed this story, please feed the author.
Title: Raising Heck
Author: Ursula
Details: 17k · NC-17 · Standalone · 12/29/05 · Email/Website
Gossamer Category(Keywords): Story [Romance, Humor] (Slash)
Crossover: Earth Angels
Characters: Mulder, Krycek
Pairings: Mulder/Krycek slash
SPOILERS: Post series
SUMMARY: Alex Krycek can get out of hell if he can persuade one deceased character to return to earth.
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