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Title: A Horse is a Horse
Author/Pseudonym: Ursula
Fandom: X-Files and Mister Ed
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek/Skinner
Rating: Adult Slash
Status: Revised
Date Posted: 3-10-05
Archive: FHSA
E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com
Classification: Adult Humor (No bestiality!)
Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: Stand Alone
Disclaimers: No profit, fan fiction for fun
Notes: Written for the defunct Persuader's list as a challenge for a birthday story
Warnings: Slash...Mister Ed was not seriously harmed in the course of writing this story
Time Frame: Just short of never
A Horse is a Horse...
OooOooO
"Look, Mulder, it's a free trip to California, sunshine, man, sunshine," Alex said. "I hope you packed your speedo."
"It's a shit assignment and you know it," Mulder grumbled.
"Oh, come on, Mulder, it can't always be slime and paranormal killers. We allegedly have a major source of horse that may be tied to South American gunrunners. We got drugs, money, and guns. All we need is Warren Zevon."
Mulder said. "It's a far fetched lead and we wouldn't be assigned except that AD Skinner is out of town. Ad Kersh assigned us because he is trying to humiliate me."
"Well, we may as well make the best of it," Alex said. "I packed lube."
"Lots of lube?" asked Mulder. At Krycek's nod, he sang, "I lube you. You lube me. We're a big happy family."
"Yeah, but I'm not wearing that purple dinosaur outfit again no matter how much I love you," Alex said, taking out a tube of Astroglide, Alex primped in the mirror, smoothing down his already slick hair.
"You use lube on your hair?" Mulder asked.
"Well, yeah, why buy two products when one will do?" Alex said.
"You're cheap," Mulder accused.
"And easy, don't forget about easy," Alex added.
"I like that in a guy," Mulder said.
"I know. If I knew all I had to do was slip on a black leather jacket, take the gel out of my hair, and put on my old jeans to get on your good side, I would have done it the first time we met," Alex said.
"It's the way you take off your old jeans that I really like," Mulder said. "Make you a deal. You bottom the entire trip and let me use the ties. I won't grumble about the case."
"Deal," Alex said. "We can do this, Mulder. Bet we can solve the case in enough time to purloin some time to lock loins. We can eat oranges right off the tree, go sun bathing, and screw."
"Gee, Alex, I didn't know you were such a hedonist," Mulder teased.
"Lot you don't know about me, wunderkind," Alex said.
A steely look replied to that and Mulder said with a grief note in his voice, "I believe you."
OooOooO
Gordon Kirkwood had been Kersh's commanding officer in the Air Force, a man who retained enough pull in the old buddy system to get Kersh to assign agents to investigate 'traffic in horse'.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Mulder instead gaped as Mr. Kirkwood explained, "No, I did not say 'trafficking in horse'. I said it was a traffic problem about a horse. My neighbor's horse, Mister Ed, to be exact. He was driving a car and wrecked my wife's car."
Meeting each other's eyes, Mulder and Krycek grimaced. Alex's notebook slid back in his jacket. Mulder said, "If you have a problem with a horse, shouldn't you have called animal control or zoning?"
Grabbing Alex's elbow, Mulder said, "Come on, Alex, we're out of here."
"Yeah, okay," Alex said, but he turned back and said, "What exactly is the problem with Mister Ed."
"He's unnaturally intelligent and he...he can talk," Mr. Kirkwood said. "The first inkling I had was the time that aliens invaded my dinner party."
Alex mouthed, "rubber room" to Mulder and took a step toward the car.
Now, Mulder sat back down and said, "Tell me more."
Two hours later, Alex had a notebook full of incidents such as the time that Mister Ed took a plane and flew it, the time the horse somehow intruded on a Hawaiian vacation, the fact that the horse was known to wear sneakers, and of course, the talking thing.
After they climbed back in the car, Alex said, "I still think he's crazy."
A far away look crossed Mulder's eyes and he said, "It could be a clever alien ploy to infiltrate and demoralize us by masquerading as a familiar life form."
"Yeah," Alex muttered, "or this Kirkwood guy could have been smoking loco weed."
"Where's your sense of adventure, Alex?" Mulder said brightly.
"Right where it will do the most good," Alex said, looking at Mulder's groin.
"Come on, Junior, live a little," Mulder said. "We need to have a little talk with Mr. Wilbur Post."
OooOooO
The house at 17239 Valley Spring Lane looked ordinary enough. The barn was freshly painted and looked as well kept as the white-painted house with the green trim. Mr. Wilbur Post also seemed like a well-adjusted average citizen. His wife, Carol, seemed a bit agitated, but having the FBI visit you at home does that to a person.
Darkly, Mrs. Post said, "If there's trouble anywhere, that horse is behind it. He's evil, pure evil."
Laughing nervously, Wilbur Post said, "Carol is exaggerating. Ed is a bit mischievous, but he means well. He always wants me to help children and poor people." Mr. Post frowned and said, "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I just meant he seems to respond better to people in need. You have heard of animal therapy?"
"That horse is the one that needs therapy," said Mrs. Post.
"I'd like to see Mister Ed," Mulder said.
"There's really nothing to see. He's a perfectly ordinary palomino saddle bred," Mr. Post said.
"I'd still like to see him," Mulder insisted.
The stable seemed reasonably ordinary if you discounted the architect's office in the center of the neat building. The stall in which the yellow horse resided looked very clean and neat. Mulder couldn't smell any horse shit, which surprised him.
"Mr. Ed is house-broken," explained Wilbur Post.
"I've never heard of a house-broken horse," Mulder said, looking at Alex to make sure that Junior was taking notes. He was, although he looked sulky.
Eyeing Mr. Ed, Mulder said, "He appears ordinary. Not even particularly bright."
At that, Mr. Ed kicked the stall, bared his teeth, and then blew horse luggies at Mulder.
Wiping the horse by-product off his suit, Mulder muttered, "Krycek, look up the address for the nearest glue factory."
Post turned red at that, grabbing Mulder by the collar and said, "Get the hell off my property. Having a horse is not a federal crime. Out! Out!"
Mulder stood his ground until Post flipped the latch that held the stall shut and let Mr. Ed loose. The big horse promptly grabbed the back of Mulder's expensive suit and gave him the bum's rush out, using his front hoof to hammer the message home on Mulder's nubile ass.
Once safely in the car, Mulder said, "Junior, where were you? That horse brutalized me and you were laughing!"
"Well, it was funny," Alex said. "Funniest thing I've seen since Agent Pendrell hid the pop-up streamers in the corpse that Scully was dissecting"
"Uh huh, and do you remember what happened?" Mulder said.
"She spanked him. It was hot, with that white lab coat shoved up and his lab boy trousers shoved down. Wow, I didn't know how strong Agent Scully was until I saw the bruises," Alex said.
"Hey, Mulder, why are we pulling over? Am I going to drive?" Alex asked.
"No, you are going to get what you deserve for being a horse's ass!" Mulder said, aiming the car down a sandy road by the river. He dragged Alex out and over to a fallen log. Quickly, he pulled Alex's trousers down and said, "Use that fancy knife in your ankle sheath to cut yourself a switch."
"Hey, how did you know about the knife?" Alex said.
"There's a reason why I'm the senior agent," Mulder said. "Now fetch, rover."
"Can I pull my pants up?" Alex asked.
"Nope, I want to see you work for that switch," Mulder said, crossing his legs and leaning back against a thick branch. He enjoyed the sight of Alex's white legs and barely covered middle as his junior agent hobbled about looking for a switch.
"Nope, not this one, it's rotten. It will break," Mulder said, rejecting the switch that Alex brought him.
"Too thick," Mulder said with a smirk as Alex tried another bough. He withheld a full guffaw as Alex tripped over his tangle of trousers.
As Alex scowled in front of him, Mulder said, "Oh, that will do. Really Junior, why must everything must be so difficult?"
"I don't know, Mulder. Must be a conspiracy." Alex said. He settled over Mulder's lap as if he belonged there.
"Hang on, Junior, here it comes," Mulder said. The first blow made Alex squeal, the second made him jump, but after that Alex did hang on, moaning but also bumping Mulder's leg with a cock gone hard with excitement.
"Oh, Junior, you like to be spanked?" Mulder purred.
"Yeah, so what you going to do about it?" Alex challenged.
"Oh, I think I'll whip you into a frenzy," Mulder said. The switch striped Alex's ass artfully as if it was candy cane. Mulder thought it looked edible. In fact, he dumped his partner off his lap to take a lick or two.
It was dark by the time that Mulder was done hurting and comforting his junior partner. Then, of course, the vibrating bed at the hotel called their name. Tomorrow they would get to the bottom of the case of the mysterious horse.
OooOooO
The next day, late in the evening, Mulder and Krycek made their way to the nearest veterinarian supply store and broke into it."You know, your ass is grass if AD Skinner finds out about this," Alex said.
"How would he find out?" Mulder said, "Here, get the animal tranquilizer ready."
"Oh, god, Mulder," Alex fretted, but obeyed.
OooOooO
"So, Francis, how's it hanging?" Mr. Ed asked. "Well, yeah, I suppose that's not much of a question for a mule. Hey, look, you remember that old Marine buddy of yours?"
"I know, like you could forget the guy you carried out of 'nam on your back. So does he still send you a few gallon of oats a year and bales of primo hay?"
"He does? Must be a good guy. Well, you know how you were saying that if I ever needed a favor?" Mr. Ed said. "I need you to call in a favor from that ex-marine you saved. Yeah, okay, after this, we're square. Neigh, not one more little request, old buddy of mine. So anyway, I need this horse's ass of an agent off my back."
"Thank you, Francis. You are the top ass in the whole damned world!" Mr. Ed said, daintily hanging up the phone.
OooOooO
Far away in Washington DC, AD Walter Skinner had just unpacked his bags, he had completed a thousand push-ups and was just starting one hundred and twenty sit-ups. He hated to stop to answer the phone, but duty called. It wasn't a satisfying workout anyway, without Mulder riding his lap the entire time. As for pushups, well, it just wasn't the same without Mulder keeping count from the bottom.
As soon as he hung up the phone, Walter tried to call Mulder. No answer. He tried Krycek next and only got a squeaking sound as if a rat was on the line. He knew that boded no good. It was time to catch a flight to California.
OooOooO
"Hi, Mr. Ed," Mulder said, "No hard feelings, I just thought I would bring you some sugar. Junior, give the horse a few lumps of sugar."
"Why me? Look at those teeth! Come on, Mulder, you do it!" Alex whined.
"Coward," Mulder said. He tore the box of sugar lumps from Alex and offered one to Mr. Ed.
The horse shook his head as if to say, not me, you first.
Mulder sighed and said, "Look, horse, good, mmmm, Alex, have some sugar." He held a cube between his lips for his partner to share. Somehow they forgot what they were supposed to be doing as they shared the sweet, sweet treat of their joined lips.
Meanwhile, Mr. Ed helped himself to the box of sugar.
Out of the corner of his eye, Mulder saw Mr. Ed, nibbling on the sweet treats. He smiled and swatted Alex on the ass.
Mr. Ed gazed about dizzily and said, "The colors, the colors..."
Alex's jaw dropped and he said, "Mulder, the horse talked."
"What?" Mulder said.
"The horse talked," Alex repeated.
"You bet I did," Mr. Ed said. "And now I'm going to call 911 and report a be in. A bree in. A break in...."
Mulder dived in time to rip the phone cord from the wall. He said "Think again, alfalfa breath. Now, talk, what planet are you from?"
"I don't know you well enough to exchange astrological signs," Mr. Ed remarked. "Even though I could swear my third cousin, the Arabian, had a nose just like that."
"Wow, man, are the walls closing in? Hey, what you doing with that needle, green eyes?" Mr. Ed said as he spotted Alex sneaking up on him.
"I thought I would knit you a new horse blanket," Alex said.
"With one needle?" Mr. Ed said.
"Yeah, because..." Alex said, sooty lashes fluttering. "I dropped the other one in the hay. I feel so sad. Come on, you golden stud, help me look."
So naturally, Mister Ed helped the tearful junior agent search. Mulder jabbed the hapless horse in the ass with another needle, taking a sample of his blood. "Grab his head," Mulder yelled, "I have to get a cell specimen"
At which, point poor Mr. Ed fainted, pinning Mulder to the wall.
"Hey, Mulder, you okay?" Alex asked.
"Yeah, I have a ton of horse lying on me. This is my idea of a paid vacation. Get him the hell of me, Junior," Mulder said.
"I can't move him," Alex said, shoving and pushing until his breath came in short pants.
"Geez, Alex, you sound like you're fucking him instead of getting him on his feet! Go see if the first aid kit has smelling salts," Mulder wheezed.
"No, just lots of bandages...maybe if I throw a bucket of water in his face?" Alex said.
"Does that work with horses?" Mulder asked.
A short time later...
"Evidently not," Mulder spluttered.
"Maybe if I grab his tail?" Alex said.
"Oh, god, Mulder help..." Alex said.
"What?" Mulder asked.
"My hand slipped when I was reaching for his tail. It's stuck," Alex moaned.
"How the hell did you do that?" Mulder asked.
"I don't know," Alex said, "I seem to have the worst luck around you."
"Gee, thanks a lot, you weren't saying that the last time I had my hand in YOUR ass," Mulder said.
"What are we going to do?" Alex said.
"I suggest a nice big smile," a familiar voice said. A camera flashed several times.
Mulder managed to reach his head high enough to see Walter Skinner. He said, "Sir, am I glad to see you."
"That may remain to be seen," Walter said.
A moment later, the AD had extricated Alex gingerly from his situation. He said, "I suggest you clean up, Agent Krycek."
"Yes, sir," Alex said.
"And you may as well be face down over a hay bale and waiting after you do that," Walter added.
"Oh, sir," Alex said, swooning.
"For a spanking," Walter said, thinking the man had misunderstood.
"Thank you, sir, thank you, I'll get a strap ready," Alex said.
Walter shoved at Mr. Ed until the horse swayed to his feet. "Sorry there, partner, I'll make you some coffee and walk you around later."
"Ehhhxpresso," Mr. Ed said.
"Correct, I'll send Krycek for some," Walter said.
"There, you heard him, it's an X-File, sir," Mulder yelled.
"I heard a horse neigh and that is all," Walter said. "The hay bale right next to Krycek, you may hold hands."
Four shining buns, one set already faintly lined with stripes, offered lush targets. Life was good.
A leather strap flexed as Walter took a few practice strokes. "Let's see, Mulder, this is for continuing on a case when you knew it was opened by my worst enemy in the department on false pretenses. Robbing a veterinary supply store, suborning your junior agent to aid and abet you, trespassing, assault on a domestic animal, and whatever the hell Krycek was doing to the poor animal."
"My hand slipped when I was trying to tail him up!" Alex whimpered.
"Well, I hope so!" Walter said.
The strap rose and fell. Alex squirmed and screamed so loudly that Walter made him bite on a bridle. His wiggling and bucking gave Walter inspiration...matched pony boys, oh yes.
Mulder started with cursing. He was tough and vocal, untamed. Walter liked that about him. He liked the challenge, the way Mulder always came springing back. Hell, maybe he could even love it.
Ah, Mulder's ass was like a pair of red, red apples by the time he was willing to cry. It positively shone like a jewel. Walter felt that he could have read by it.
And afterwards, Walter held both young men until they purred rather than sobbed.
Fortunately, Mr. Ed was fine. He had only fainted because he was afraid of needles.
Mulder said, "He did talk, Sir."
"Right, Mulder, you want to put that in a report? I won't be able to keep you out of the rubber room," Walter said. "You want to end up like that, taking Agent Krycek with you?"
Ruefully, Mulder looked down and admitted, "I guess not. I still say that horse is supernatural."
"So, sir, are we going back to DC tonight?" Alex asked.
"Oh, I think I can spare a day or two. Maybe we can go to the races?" Walter said.
"No more horses," Alex and Mulder said together.
OooOooO
Later that night, a deep raspy voice answered Walter's call; "You take care of it, boy?"
Lazily, Walter held up the mobile phone, "I took care of it, Francis, you can rest assured your friend will have no more problems."
"Who was that?" Mulder said.
"Old army buddy. He saved my life in 'Nam," Walter said.
"Hey, maybe we can meet him and thank him in person for saving you," said Alex.
"Nah," Walter said, "No, he's a bit of an ass. I doubt you would like him."
Neither Mulder nor Alex could understand the secret smile on Walter's face....
The end.
Link for the sake of the pun:
http://members.tripod.com/~horsefame/francis.html
If you enjoyed this story, please feed the author.
Title: A Horse is a Horse
Author: Ursula
Details: 17k · NC-17 · Standalone · 12/29/05 · Email/Website
Gossamer Category(Keywords): Crossover [Humor] (Slash, Alternate universe)
Crossover: Mr. Ed
Characters: Mulder Krycek Skinner
Pairings: Mulder/Skinner/Krycek
SPOILERS: none
SUMMARY: Mulder and Krycek investigate a strange horse.
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