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TITLE: Walking Away 4: Passing Torches
AUTHOR: ScamBeliever
EMAIL ADDRESS: scambeliever@hotmail.com DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, sure. :)
RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: S, A, S POV
KEYWORDS: MSR
SPOILER WARNING: Post Biogenesis/The Sixth Extinction SUMMARY: Things might never happen.
DISCLAIMER: CC, let us play.
FEEDBACK: Will be overwhelmed if you spare even just one line.Passing Torches
"Now we're saying aloud
The things we've declared in our silence That new coats of paint
Will not reacquaint"
- Turpentine Chaser by Dashboard Confessional
Morning dew was nice to look at on lush greens but uncomfortable when you step on the damp ground. Her heels sunk with every step she took towards the dark patch of people amongst the white stones. It did make a good reason to stay at the back of the crowd. She couldn't make Mulder out from the rows of black suits ahead of her anyway.
She tried to remember why she agreed to attend.
Mulder had called the night before and asked her to come, and at that time, she thought she at least owed Diana that much. Now, she questioned if it was only because of that.
Of course she was also there for Mulder. He needed a friend. After all that has happened, she was at least that. Still, she felt like a hypocrite standing at a distance in this morbid ceremony.
The wetness criss-crossed around her shoes and ankles like hurried tears unnoticed. She briefly wondered if Diana cried before she took her last breath.
Scully didn't know if the service was any good but she respected it and mourned with the rest of them. The crowd finally moved, quietly spreading away from the casket. A low hum of condolences floated briefly around before it was carried by the wind to nothingness. The parting crowd gave way to one lonely man to whom she mourned more for today than the woman in the coffin.
His face was characteristically expressionless but his stillness gave him away. Her chest clenched at the sight of his stoic facade. His already whisper-thin innocence was a wash away from becoming mere lose threads and she didn't think she would be able to catch every heartbroken strand even if she died trying.
She made her way around the raised casket to stand beside him. She reached for his hand not to make her presence known because she knew he already acknowledged it before she had reached him, but just to stress her role as a good friend that he could always count on no matter what.
A tingling sensation coursed through her hand, startling her and making her drop his. She had felt this strange, physical sensation when she came back from Africa. She had dismissed it as just a byproduct of extreme emotional stress. But then, she realized that she only felt it around Mulder. The first few times were uncomfortably intense, warmth spreading her entire body. As the days passed and as Mulder recovered, it had dulled and eventually stopped. Well, almost.
She had forgotten about it since she stopped by Mulder's apartment to bring news of Diana's death.
"Thanks for coming Scully." Mulder said quietly. She nodded, watching Mulder at the corner of her eye. He was still contemplating the gleaming wood that held the body of a woman of his past. She let him take all the time he needed.
Scully took in the sight of the stone graves around her, her eyes slowly surveying the sad scene of the lucky few remembered and the mostly forgotten. She fixated on a distant spot where she had last visited, tamping the urge to pay another visit.
"Go on Scully. I'll wait for you."
She looked up and found Mulder watching her. She broke eye contact quickly and stared at the casket before her.
"I think we've mourned enough today." She didn't like being caught. "Do you need some more time?" she asked without looking back at him.
Layers of clothes rustled as Mulder shifted uneasily. "No, let's go." He turned to leave, tugging her hand to make her follow.
Scully had taken a cab so they were heading towards Mulder's car, which he had parked at some distance. It was quite an unsettling stroll despite of it being quiet and hardly eventful. When they reached the passenger's side, Mulder finally let go of her hand and opened it for her.
She was only sure that Mulder was taking her home until they turned to a shortcut that would surely lead them to her neighborhood. They were both silent throughout the ride, neither sure if there was any need to talk. For Scully, it was Mulder's day. If he wanted to talk, she'd let him broach any subject first then she'll follow his lead.
She was already getting used to the stretch of silence when Mulder suddenly broke it.
"Can we stop here?" He was slowing down to a small park she jogged past to occasionally. A fourth of it was a playground that never seemed to fill with enough kids, while the rest was plain green, relatively good for pick-up football.
She wondered why he wanted to stop here - if he was looking for a place where they could talk or if he just wanted a change of scenery where he could think in further silence. If it was the latter, then she should probably leave him alone.
But then, Mulder did say 'we.'
"All right." she answered.
She watched him first as he let himself out, trying to read his face but she gave up when he closed his door. He seemed to take in the scene before him as soon as he reached Scully's side - the few children running around while their sitters gossiped nearby, a college boy fumbling the football as he's being attacked by an opponent and the rest of the group either groaned or cheered.
Scully was now the one waiting for him. "Mulder?"
He sort of took his time turning his head, dragging his eyes across the park before they settled on her. He looked at her in such a way that it took some effort to keep her eyebrow from arching.
It was not sad. Not cold. Yet, not warm.
It was not exactly a bad thing.
Still, it made her uncomfortable.
"Yeah, come on. Let's take a look around." he said, despite the fact that his brief sweep of the small place should've been enough. Then he casually took her hand once again before he took a step forward.
Definitely disturbing.
They settled on the farthest unoccupied swing set which split the playground and the field. Scully was momentarily relieved because it gave her an excuse to let go of Mulder's hand. Maybe she was being too skittish about this, but public displays of affection had always been awkward between them. And when it happened so casually, she couldn't help feeling something's wrong she hadn't yet picked up on or something will be.
It was a sad assessment of their relationship, but so far it remained true. They touched only during extreme distress, when small gestures of comfort from each other were the only way to get through the day.
Mulder had not said anything yet and she lost herself in the view of the few children running around carelessly with their laughter echoing in her chest.
Mulder dulled the echo by speaking.
"She loved me, Scully." It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out to whom he was referring to. "Maybe too much."
It was not surprising that Mulder would choose to talk about Diana given what that particular day was. What she didn't expect was the way he chose to talk about her. His swing squeaked as Mulder slightly moved back and forth while she remained still, her eyes never leaving the children.
"She treated me well. That's...that's probably why I couldn't easily accept your suspicions."
A boy about four years old was putting sand in his jumper's pockets. The sand spilled from it, creating a trail of dust as he ran around the playground. Not a single nanny took notice.
"Thank you Scully."
That made her lose track of the kid. "For what?"
He reached over and pulled her hand from the swing's chain and held it with both of his. She couldn't stop her eyebrow now.
"For telling me the truth. For everything else." The second reason came out low and barely audible.
"Haven't we done this before?" she asked, thinking about hallways, touchstones, and anything to steer the mood to light. Trying to stall whatever Mulder was building himself up to say.
"I don't think I could thank you enough."
That feeling again. That pinch in her stomach was now becoming a full-fledged cramp.
She was just about to pull her hand away when Mulder raised it to his face. His eyes bore down on hers, no trace of sadness or uncertainty.
Focused.
He opened her palm and placed an open-mouthed kiss on it without taking his eyes off her.
Direct.
The chains rattled loudly when she bolted up from her swing. Mulder reflexively tightened his grip on her hand.
"We should go." she said with her eyes on the playground, looking for the small boy.
"We should talk." he insisted.
The kid was spinning in circles, the sand whipping around him.
Scully shook her head. "I should go."
She didn't think that the park was an appropriate place to have a very private conversation. It also didn't feel right that Mulder planned to talk about...this...whatever-ship between them the day Diana was buried. It felt sickeningly like passing torches.
She pulled her hand free and started walking.
"I'll take you home." She heard Mulder's swing clink softly behind her as he stood up. She half-turned to stop him from following her.
"My apartment's a few blocks away. I'll walk." she said quickly.
'Go home.' she thought desperately.
She didn't notice the little boy she had been watching was crying uncontrollably when she passed by, his nanny trying in vain to calm him down.
Mulder has this misguided, easily misunderstood behavior of leaving her alone right after a drastic incident. She had expected a persistent call or even a rude visit, but the phone and her door were left alone hours after she left him at the park. She contemplated on this as she tried to contain any sign of restlessness while she waited.
She checked her watch for the fifth time. She had fifteen minutes.
Scully sighed, breath blowing the dying coffee steam away from her face. She hoped it would last until she had to go.
Her phone trilled suddenly, almost making her spill her coffee. She dreaded to see the name displayed on her Nokia. Wincing as she pressed 'Answer,' she dragged the phone to her ear like it weighed more than her weight.
"Mulder." she said.
"Scully." the voice from the phone answered.
It would have been funny greeting each other, exchanging each other's names but Scully couldn't even make the corner of her lips to lift. It didn't go any further than a quiver.
"I called your apartment. You're not home?"
Obviously. "No."
Pause. "I thought maybe you just didn't want to answer."
Well, she didn't want to talk to him right now but she answered her cellphone anyway. Static cackled intermittently, emphasizing the awkward silence that followed. When it stretched longer than her patience could take, she sighed.
"Mulder, you didn't call just to check if I'd talk to you."
He didn't answer immediately and she thought she lost connection.
"Mul-"
"Was it too soon, Scully?" he breathed out in a rush.
'For what?' she thought, exasperated. This phone call? This conversation? The gesture at the park?
She closed her eyes wishing time would rewind back to any day before they slept together or any time before Diana came into the picture.
"Scully?"
"I don't know what you want me to say, Mulder." she said wearily.
"You can start by answering the question."
Scully placed the now lukewarm coffee at the empty seat beside her. She leaned forward, resting her head on her hand while her elbow balanced the weight.
"Ask me again later. Maybe I'll have an answer by then."
"I'll wait for you at your place."
She shifted her hand so that her fingers can rub her forehead. "Then you'll be waiting for a while."
"As long as it takes."
She gripped the phone tightly, trying to consider his words. She scolded herself to just get it over with and tell him. "You can't do that."
It seemed that the world stilled with Mulder when he asked, "Why not?"
Spit. It. Out. "I'm at the airport."
"I'm sorry, you're where?"
'Come on, Mulder. You heard me.' she thought, her eyes darting around as she shifted in her seat uneasily.
"I'm going to visit Bill for a while." She checked her watch, then stood up and started walking.
"When were you planning to tell me this?"
"I just told you."
"And this had nothing to do with what happened yesterday?" he accused.
'What exactly did happen, Mulder?' Scully thought. "No. I had this planned way before."
This was not entirely a lie. She had been planning to visit her brother but until yesterday, she couldn't decide when she was actually going.
"Mulder, I have to go." she said quickly before Mulder could argue and stall her. "I'll see you..." Her voice trailed off as she neared her line.
"When?" Mulder asked in a dangerously calm voice. It was a frightening tone she wasn't used to hearing directed at her. She didn't like the way it scared her.
Her eyes narrowed, temper slowly cloaking her heart and mind. She didn't like Mulder trying to scare her.
"I don't know." she answered then disconnected.
Two days later
California
The park was much larger than the one in her neighborhood, much livelier. She estimated that there were probably fifty families present yet the park didn't look crowded, which was a good thing because they needed space. Her nephew wanted to play with his dog and Scully having too much time in her hands for once, offered to take him to the park.
As soon as she turned off the engine, Matthew bolted to the field with 'Butch,' the dog jumping through the car window to follow. Scully had to scramble from the car to catch up with them. She stopped a short distance away from where Matthew laid claim to some space between a family picnic and a hotdog stand.
Scully watched as Matthew tossed the Frisbee impossibly high and she worried if she might have to apologize to anyone the spinning object might hit. To her surprise and delight, Butch jumped high enough as the Frisbee was coming down and caught it easily with his teeth.
"Good job, Butch!" Matthew yelled as the dog ran to give back the Frisbee. Scully grinned.
There's something about sunny California that smoothly warms you from the tip of your hair to the center of your soul in one satisfying moment, one cleansing breath. Maybe it's the almost perfect weather, which no one could help but indulge in its seamlessness, forgetting that severely fractured reality was just one bad thought away. And these bad thoughts have been steadfastly pushed away before it formed at the back of Scully's mind ever since her plane touched California soil.
Matthew moved back dangerously close to the picnickers as he instructed the dog to go back to his designated place. Scully was about to call out and warn him when he stopped and tossed the Frisbee once again. Butch ran like hell, jumped so high...and missed!
She stood tense, waiting for the orange disc to land. Scully gasped as it whacked a passing jogger off his path.
'Oh my God.' she thought as she hurried to the man.
When she got to him, he was holding the Frisbee and looking none too happy. She winced and approached him carefully. He was surprisingly, intimidatingly tall up close. Taller than Mulder.
The thought made her pause, bracing for the floodgates that held her repressed emotions to open.
"Are you all right?" she asked quickly before the dam started to crack.
"This yours?" the man asked as he rubbed the side of his bent head.
"My nephew's. I'm sorry-"
"Aunt Dana!" Boy and dog bounded toward them with odd likeness. When they reached them, Scully immediately prompted an apology from Matthew. The man visibly softened and thankfully, accepted it.
As soon as Matthew heard 'It's okay,' the boy shot off back to the field with the dog at his heels much to Scully's embarrassment. She smiled sheepishly, not quite meeting the man's eyes and followed her nephew in a much slower pace.
She found a spot considerably nearer to Matthew than she was before and settled there to keep watch. After a few minutes, her eyes were drooping either because of the monotonous throw and catch or the afternoon sun was too comfortable to keep her body alert. Again, the big difference between California and D.C. making itself known.
"Mind if I sit with you?" Half-closed eyes blinked wide to find the 'Frisbee man' staring down to her. With her sitting down, the man looked gigantic.
"I've been jogging for an hour and if your kid's Frisbee didn't hit me, I would've jogged for a couple more non-stop and hurt myself." He stood beside her, waiting patiently for her answer.
"Nephew." she corrected.
"Right." He shrugged and smiled.
She considered him for a moment, squinting up at him. She decided that she liked his smile so she let him sit beside her.
Not used to having strangers as company, she thought it would be awkward. She was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't, as they talked about all things mundane while they both watched Matthew throw the Frisbee for the nth time. He seemed to be really just resting and passing time. She had let him maneuver the conversation and yet he kept it respectfully light. Jokes and teasing did not offend while questions didn't border to intrusive. It was nice to talk to someone she had no deep connections with for a change. It was quite refreshing actually and she added another point to California.
"Dana, I have to tell you something." Chris the 'Frisbee man' blurted out after a few moments of companiable silence.
Scully was lightly dozing, her feet pulled up with her head cradled on her knees. It wasn't like her to trust a stranger to watch her brother's son for her for a few minutes. Heck, it wasn't like her to just let him join her and accept his reason to sit with her. She blamed her easy trust to California. Yes, she blamed all things un-Scully to the damn sunny state. Besides, she was an FBI agent. Despite his size, she'd kick his ass before taking one wrong step towards Matthew.
She opened one eye. "What is it?"
Chris took his time downing the rest of his bottled water. She frowned.
"I know I said that I was just resting...but I had another reason for coming up to you."
Scully contained her groan but couldn't help looking away. And she thought he wasn't at all interested. Damnit, she didn't need this right now.
"I uh- I had already stopped to rest right after you and your nephew left me. I was just, you know, looking around and I saw this man who looked a bit out of place. Maybe because he seemed too somber...I don't know." Chris nervously scratched the hair at the back of his head.
"The man, he was watching you."
She sat up straight in alarm and quickly looked for Matthew. Her mind raced through the numerous enemies she and Mulder had acquired through their partnership. Psychopaths, mutants, aliens, the Syndicate...
She grabbed for her gun then swore under her breath. She left it in the car.
"For some reason, I just didn't feel comfortable. And eventhough it's none of my business, well, here I am." Chris continued, too embarrassed with his revelation to notice Scully's reaction.
"Is he still around?" she asked, her voice tight and her body tense.
"Unfortunately, yes. You can see him if you look right over my left shoulder."
Chris was facing Scully, so she only had to tilt her head a bit to get a good look. She went completely still when she saw Mulder standing across the field, staring back at her.
Initial shock quickly became immense relief knowing she and Matthew were in no real danger. Relief gave way to confusion then to increasing anger when it dawned on her the reason Mulder was there.
Chris had a full view of the swift but subtle changes on her face and realized that none of the passing emotions were fear. "You know him?" he asked.
Just as quickly, Scully masked her face to neutral before she answered.
"Yes. It's okay." Her eyes darted to the brooding presence behind Chris then back to his face. "He's...I work with him."
She knew Chris was waiting for further explanation, but she gave none. He was right. It wasn't any of his business. After a few seconds of expectant silence, Chris seemed to realize that he was waiting for nothing. Their companiable silence had become tense and awkward so he stood up to leave.
"Then I should probably go." He hesitated. "You sure you're okay?"
Scully faked a reassuring smile. "I'll-We'll be fine." she answered, nodding towards a blissfully innocent Matthew, currently playing tug-of-war with Butch, each pulling at the poor Frisbee.
Scully reached for Chris's hand before he took a step away. "Thank you for your concern Chris." It was indeed sweet of him and the smile she gave him was now genuine. If her life wasn't so complicated, she wouldn't have minded if he was actually interested. It would probably be even mutual.
If her life wasn't complicated. "You take care of yourself."
He relaxed and smiled, gently squeezing her hand before he let go.
Scully watched him jog off then turned her attention back to Matthew, waiting for the inevitable.
Without further ado, she heard the voice she had not listened to for two days. "Is this seat taken?"
What she would give for the fond memory make her forget what she was feeling at that moment. "You know it isn't anymore." she answered without looking up.
"What, am I cramping your style?"
She looked up then, fixing him a cold stare telling him he's free to f--k off anytime. Mulder looked away, embarrassed that such a juvenile comment escaped his lips. Scully didn't tell him to go away so he sat down beside her before she could make up her mind.
She returned to looking at her hyperactive nephew and his dog, finding solace that at least someone was still enjoying the day. It saddened her how Mulder could severely dampen her mood now. She used to enjoy sitting still with Mulder before their one-time unpartnerly blunder. From repetitive expense reports to mindnumbing stakeouts, they managed to make the dullest moments bearable. Sometimes, even enjoyable. She wondered when they'll get back to that point again. If they ever will.
Despite the fact that Mulder came a long way to talk to her, he couldn't seem to find the words to begin. Scully guessed, it must be up to her to get it over with.
"What are you doing here, Mulder?" she asked, her eyes rigidly forward.
"Well I thought I needed a vacation too. The essential S's: sun, surf, sand, Scully. California seemed like the best place." Of course she didn't smile. Mulder cleared his throat. "You haven't answered my question."
"What happened to waiting as long as it takes?" she asked.
"I developed an itch then went over here." Mulder started plucking the grass, trying to busy his nervous hands. "Look Scully...I thought I could do it but it's been two days and no word from you."
She kept silent.
"Is it too soon?" he asked once again. "All you have to answer is either yes or no." He paused, watching her, waiting if she was going to say something.
"If you say no...then we'll take things one day at a time." he continued, nodding to himself, repressing relief and joy if that were to be her choice. "If you think it's too soon though, then I guess I'll-uh I'll wait." His voice ended uncertain and seemed almost resigned.
Silence still.
"As long as it takes?" she asked dryly.
"Scully-"
"Maybe you're asking the wrong question."
Mulder stopped balding the ground near his feet. "What do you mean?"
Scully swallowed hard what seemed like a fistful of bile, not exactly sure how to proceed or if she still wanted to.
"Either answer I give you would mean a decision to change...things between us." She hugged her knees closer to her chest and she let her hair veil her face.
She had not planned telling him anything now. She hadn't planned to say anything while she's in the middle of sorting things out. All her reservations were due to burning mistakes, misunderstandings and disappointments. Above all, she was disappointed.
Voicing her doubts now felt like divulging gossip she wasn't ready to tell because the information has not been fully verified.
"Are you saying you don't want things to change?" She could feel Mulder's eyes were staring hard on her face, waiting edgily for her to answer. "Are you saying you never wanted to?" he asked, shouting the words without raising his voice.
The questions were stifling and she was finding it hard to breathe. She wanted to run away, run so fast and so far until there was enough space between them where she can clear her mind and not think of anything related to Mulder.
That would mean running forever.
"No. I'm saying I did." she whispered, her eyes lowering to the ground.
No one spoke. No one moved. It seemed to her that Mulder did not so much as breathe. The world seemed to grow smaller and smaller.
"You did." he repeated. His voice was low and emotionless as if the two simple words were too incomprehensible. What was beyond his grasp was most likely her use of tense.
Unable to bear the strain, she stood up to get Matthew. She was leaving.
"Scully." he called before she could take more than a couple of steps. She turned around and found him still sitting on the grass, his face so stricken and lost it hurt to look.
He didn't say anything but she knew he was asking twenty different questions. She answered the hardest and most obvious one by asking him a question herself.
"Would you have pursued this, us...if Diana hadn't died?" Scully forced herself to look him in the eye unflinchingly. This was the only way she could get an honest answer.
Mulder's face registered shock, confusion and the answer she didn't want to see through his continued silence.
Her shoulders dropped slightly. She nodded sadly and turned her back. When she reached her nephew, Mulder was already at a distance, walking at the opposite direction.
She had never felt so far away.
END Passing Torches
If you enjoyed this story, please feed the author.
Title: Walking Away 4: Passing Torches
Author: ScamBeliever
Details: 26k · PG · Series · 06/06/05 · Email/Website
Gossamer Category(Keywords): Story [UST, Angst]
Characters: M/S
Pairings: Mulder/Scully UST
SPOILERS: Post Biogenesis/The Sixth Extinction/Amor Fati
SUMMARY: Things might never happen.
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