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Title: Vice Verses
Author: Pattie
Rated: PG-13
Let's see how many vices I have. And since I have nothing else to do since Scully is visiting her brother and sister-in-law, and nothing new has crossed my desk, I may as well take stock. I'm sure Scully has taken them all into account and memorized them in that beautifully packaged brain of hers anyway.
I'd better get this down on paper. Just to see what I can dig up. Might come in handy for my New Year's Resolutions.
WILD GOOSE CHASES: I just crave them. My partner tells me we go on too many wild goose chases, but I thrive on them. If everything just comes straight to me, where's the sport?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATIONS: They are the life-blood of my existance when things are slow at work, and I do receive a paycheck when the Powers That Be upstairs see what both of us have been thorough in our investigations. I keep good records, and write up my reports on time.
RUNNING: Keeps me in shape, keeps my mind off of Samantha, and I sure love that runner's high. I really miss it if I've been laid up with a work-related injury.
WORK-RELATED INJURIES: Well, I don't really like them. And while I freely admit to having one of the highest tallies in FBI history for some of the most grievous, painful and, yes, life-threatening injuries, I do this for my country! Besides, having a lovely female medical doctor as my FBI partner is one resource I couldn't do without. Hospitalization also seems to let me get more sleep for some reason.
OBSESSING OVER VICTIMS: I fully admit to getting so wrapped up in certain cases that yes, I often feel the pain of the victims of thugs, sickos and unexplained phenomena. If I didn't empathize to some extent, I wouldn't have the impetus to do my job as expeditiously as possible.
Umm... hold on. That's my cell phone.
Mulder. Yes. Overdue? I haven't rented 'Alice and the 40 Thieves' for... Son of a gun. That's why you didn't have it. Yes. I'll get it to you right after work. Right. Bye. I know you have more than one copy, Mr. Greed.
Anyhow, where was I?
RENTING THOSE VIDEOS: I have needs. I'm not in a position to have a sexual relationship right now, so I may as well see someone else doing it... Somehow, I don't think that as a woman Scully's impressed.
Which reminds me...
UTTERING SEXUAL INNUENDO TO SCULLY: Can you blame me? After all, I'm not blind. I'd bet my Adidas she kind of gets a kick out of it. She'd probably take my vital signs if I stopped, anyway. Besides, I only utter them to her.
DITCHING SAID PARTNER ON CASES: Hey, sometimes it's better to keep her safe in case she gets new leads while I'm out following a tip. I should cut down though. I seem to have a lot more scars than I used to. I've also been told it's not good for the partnership.
BUTTER ON POPCORN: Well, Scully tells me it's "unhealthy". Hey, it's a treat. It goes great with beer and a movie.
CALLING PARTNER AT LATE HOURS: I must admit she has been a good sport about it, even though I know she needs her sleep. I need someone with her intelligence to ponder the mysteries of life, bounce ideas off of... I'm lonely. I want to be sure she's where she should be. At home. Asleep. I should cut down on that one, too.
TOTALLING COMPANY AND RENTAL CARS: Occupational hazard. When it comes to murderers, drug dealers and hostage takers, it's a risk I'll take to do my job protecting the public. As for my "Unofficial" investigations... "They", whoever "they" are know full well what "they" trying to get away with and what "they" are doing when "they" have US pursued. You could say "they" caused the accidents. Shouldn't "they' pay for damages?
PARANOIA: I can justify that. It's not paranoia when you know they're watching you. (Which reminds me, it's time for another bug sweep here.)
MEETING SHADY CHARACTERS IN THE DARK: Where else am I going to get the news I want, when I want it, without anyone else getting it? Seriously, these so-called "shady sources" would be in extreme danger if they met me at the office, at home, or in coffee shops.
GOING ON UNSANCTIONED INTERNATIONAL TRIPS: Okay, so it's not something I do when I take on mainstream cases. I only do this when I know our very lives may be in danger. Not just OUR lives. Everyone's lives.
I think that's it. The sunflower seeds are a good source of vitamins, minerals and roughage. Besides, the hulls are biodegradable. Damn, I'm out of them again.
Well, some day I'm going to find The Truth and all that goes with it. If I find my sister on the way, that would be great! I have a feeling I am going to be doing this for a long time, and some day a lot of people will thank me for it.
Now, where the heck do I put this so no one finds it?
END
If you enjoyed this story, please feed the author.
Title: Vice Verses
Author: Pattie
Details: 4k · PG · Standalone · 10/15/05 · Email/Website
Gossamer Category(Keywords): Vignette [UST, Humor, Angst]
Characters: Mulder
SPOILERS: None. Somewhere in Season 6.
SUMMARY: Mulder takes stock of his vices.
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